My chest is acting up again but not because of stress but because I feel hurt. I'm sorry that I am who I am. I can't change the fact that I'm awkward and quiet. I'm sorry that I'm this way, I can't change and why should I? You became friends with me by me being who I am and now you tease me about it? I know that to you, you think you're joking but to me, it's bullying. At first I took it as a joke but the more you say the same things over and over, it hurts to think that I'm being put down by some of my bestest friends. You tease me because of the type of music I listen too. You tease me because I'm struggling in school. You tease me because I can't hang out every weekend when in reality, my parents are struggling to support us. You ask me why I want a job over the summer and then think it's because I just want money when really I'm getting a job to help buy food for my little brothers. I went to y'all's party Saturday night instead of going to church because I was happy that we could all get together again after many years but y'all just pushed me away in a joking way. I should have went to church because at least I feel like I belong. I had a thought today that I've never thought I would ever think in a million years. For the first time, I wondered if anyone would care if I left. At first the thought was just like me moving or something without telling anyone but the more I thought, the more suicidal the thought became. I'm a care free person who loves life! I shouldn't be thinking like this! But luckily, there's a part of me that tells me that there are people who will always be there for you and named them for me. I made a playlist on Spotify called "Erase the bad thoughts" and it's filled with all my favorite bands/songs. It doesn't help as much but it's worth a start to try to be myself once again. My family has noticed this change today and I poured my heart out to my mom this morning. I didn't tell her about the thoughts but I told her what's been happening. She told me to remember something Joel Osteen, my pastor, said at the last service we went to. He said to put a wall up. Ignore every negative comment and say thank you for your opinion but please keep it positive next time. I'm battling not only with my childhood friends but with myself. I'm not going to change my personality just because you tease me about it. Teasing is something you do that doesn't affect a person emotionally. What they have been saying has and they don't realize it. I'm not going to say anything because if they were truly my best friends then they would have noticed a long time ago and stopped. I haven't changed, they have. I'm sorry that I'm anti-social but that's why I have my best friends because they're supposed to help me be social but that isn't happening. Dennisse is one of the only people I can trust because I know she loves me for me. I'm not saying that the group doesn't love me for me because they've said it before but I just wished they would stop teasing. Like if someone goes 'you're so awkward Maggie," but smiles about it while laughing then yeah okay that's fine but when they go 'you're so awkward' and give an embarrassed face, it hurts. Would they stick up for me if something were to happen? I know a few people would, like Dennisse and a few others.
When I moved to Spring, they were my first friends I made and I can't even trust them anymore.I miss them and now whenever we hang out, I can't fit in. I feel out of place and I shouldn't. When I make corny jokes, they're supposed to laugh no matter what or make a joke back about how terrible it was to make me laugh at how awful I ruined the joke. You're not supposed to go 'shut up Maggie, no one cares,' because then it makes me think these kinds of thoughts. I wish I could go back to the times where I was treated normally but I know it's an impossible wish. I haven't shed a tear yet about this situation because I know it isn't worth it. One day they'll realize how much these bands I love (Emblem3 and Little Mix) mean to me and they'll realize why I'm shy, because I'm scared that people will judge. One day they'll figure it out and I hope that day is before we graduate and before something happens to where I'm not at KC anymore or I'm not friends with them anymore. I don't want it to be too late. If this continues and gets worse, I pray that I'll make it through and find new friends who love me for me. I also pray that my family continues to receive blessings from God and that he lets us keep this house because I don't know what I'll do if I move away from the few people who I can truly go to (Dennisse). So far we're fine but you never know what can happen in the future.
"A soul living in tune with it's internal purpose is bound to create utter magic."
- Drew Chadwick
"The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."
-Looking for Alaska- John Green
These two quotes keep me going and they will always until I'm through with this rollercoaster.
